THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - "Secrets" Men and Women Need to Know

Today we concluded The Marriage Builder Series. In our divided groups (men & women) we addressed four key areas: Reflections, Spiritual, Roles/Responsibilities, and Romance.

1. Reflections: Name one take-away from the MB Series, and have there been any changes in the way you approach relationships as a result of the class material.
2. Spiritual: Men are given the responsibility to lead: "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church..." Ephesians 5:22-30. Even when a wife is wiser and more spiritually surrendered, she must let her husband lead. The wife should pray for her husband as she submits to God's design and to her husband's sensitive and loving leadership. When she voluntarily submits (Colossians 3:18-19) to her husband, she is completing him, helping him fulfill his responsibilities, and helping him become the man, the husband, and the leader God intended him to be. The Bible places a special emphasis on a wife's responsibility as a "helper". Genesis tells us that God realized it wasn't good for man to be alone, and that He decided to make a "helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). It is interesting to note that the Hebrew meaning of the word helper in this passage is found hereafter in the Bible to refer only to God as He helps us. The fact that this same word is applied to a wife signifies that women have been given tremendous power for good in their husbands' lives. God has designed wives to help their husbands become all that God intends for them to be.
3. Roles (Responsibilities) in Relationships: The marriage is much like a small corporation. It requires shared sacrifice, a lot of hard work, and Grace, Commitment, and Acceptance in order to reach the success we all desire of Oneness. There are no relationships immune from conflicts. There is no reason to be caught by surprise regarding conflicts. Expect them and be ready to resolve them. GREAT relationships are about knowing how to resolve conflicts. The tools for successful conflict resolution are Truth & Wisdom. Truth is found in God's absolutes. Wisdom is gain through the determined desire to understand and apply Truth. Someone once said that Truth is the first chapter in the Book of Wisdom.
4. Romance: Titus 2:4 calls for wives "to love their husbands." Colossians 3:19 calls for husbands to "love your wives...". In our groups, we addressed the topic of Romance from two different perspectives. A wife must know that she is the ONLY woman that her husband is in love with. A husband must know that he is the most important man in his wife's life and that she loves him unconditionally. A wife is the most powerful person in a husband's life. She has the ability to complete him or break him. I expanded on this in section 2, above. When a man knows that he is the most important person in his wife's live, his number one goal will be to please her. He will not stop at finding ways to surprise her with his love, know every detail about what makes her happy, and serve her. He will never intentionally hurt her or allow anyone to do so. When a wife knows that she is the "crown jewel" of her husband, she will do everything possible to please him, serve him, and support him in his efforts to lead.

Next week we have a change of plans. Due to my work schedule for the next few weeks, instead of having breaks in our series on Solving the Money Puzzle, we will start the Worldview & Crazy Makers series next week. This is a 6-week video series followed by a week, or two, on Crazy Makers. Solving the Money Puzzle will begin on August 17th, or shortly thereafter.

Framing Your Worldview is an amazing series that you don't want to miss! Please take time to watch the 8:13 min. preview of lesson one below:

FRAMING YOUR WORLDVIEW

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Acceptance

Today we completed The Marriage Builder Series with the final building block: ACCEPTANCE. The final three lessons in Part 2: Building The Foundation showed us that real commitment requires grace, and if commitment is missing in the relationship, it is impossible to ACCEPT. Dr. Crabb agrees that grace and commitment are not enough alone. There needs to also be ACCEPTANCE. In order to truly ACCEPT our spouse, we must understand the depth of Christ's love for us and how He ACCEPTS us unconditionally. When we ACCEPT our spouse the way they are, we bring praise to God. This is true ministry.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." Romans 15:7

 We explored the two central points of what it means to add ACCEPTANCE (Building Block 3) to grace and commitment (Building Blocks 1 and 2):

1. There is a difference between ACCEPTING your mate and enjoying your mate; the former is a requirement, the latter is a blessing;
2. The experience of ACCEPTING your spouse depends upon the work of forgiveness, which in turn depends upon a willingness to see the offensive behavior of your spouse in Biblical context.

Forgiveness must proceed ACCEPTANCE in order to reach Total Oneness. Only one who appreciates God's forgiveness can truly forgive others. We looked at W-D-T-W-S (What Does The Word Say). The three reference passages were: Philippians 2:3-4; Ephesians 4:32; Matthew 18:21-22.

In our video, Dr. Crabb addressed the question: "How do I forgive someone who has hurt me?"

We will divide into groups next week for an exciting finish to our MB Series. You DON'T want to miss it!

The slides from today's lesson are below.

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Commitment

The second building block in the foundation of oneness is COMMITMENT. Last week we studied how God's grace is sufficient reason for continued obedience (Building Block 1). This week we studied how honoring your marriage vows consistently is possible because of a conviction that God's plan is always good (Building Block 2).

COMMITMENT must be motivated by DESIRE. There is a difference between making a "decision" to do something and having a "desire" to do something. Our "desire" to honor the marriage vow consistently, even to a difficult spouse, must be motivated from God's Goodness rather than from our obedience. Dr. Crabb teaches that there are three concepts to help you "desire" to fulfill your marriage COMMITMENT:

• POINT 1: The basis for true commitment is the goodness of God (see slide 35 in the lesson).
• POINT 2: Honoring commitments because of a profound trust in God's goodness will feel less like "doing one's duty" and more like pursuing one's deepest desires.
• POINT 3: Lack of joy (Note: Joy is one of the fruit of the Spirit: Galatians 5:22-23) in honoring the marriage commitment cannot be blamed on our spouses; the fault lies in our failure to depend on the goodness of God.

The basic cure for weak COMMITMENT is renewed faith (Spirit), not rededicated effort (Soul).

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the DESIRES of your heart." Psalm 37:4

In the video illustration, John Wayne plays the copilot of a DC-4 on a return trip from Hawaii. In a time of crisis, the young captain decides that the crippled jet can't make it to the West Coast and "decides" that they must ditch the jet in the ocean. With the flight engineer screaming that they are but minutes from landing, the captain insists that they must ditch. John Wayne heroically takes charge because of his great "desire" to make it to land. After putting the captain in his place, Wayne safely lands the jet in California. I used this scene to dramatically emphasize that when crisis hits the marriage, someone (husband or wife) needs to rise to the occasion, and with great "desire" refuse to make the decision to "ditch" the marriage. Enjoy the short video:

"The High And The Mighty"

The slides from today's lesson are below. Be sure to take time to look up the verses on God's goodness (see slide 35). Next week we will complete the teaching portion of The Marriage Builder with Building Block 3: ACCEPTANCE.

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Grace

With God's blueprint for Oneness, we now turn to the last three lessons in The Marriage Builder series aimed at the critical building blocks needed to build the foundation to a Christ-centered marriage: GRACE, COMMITMENT, and ACCEPTANCE.

Real COMMITMENT requires GRACE and it is impossible to ACCEPT without COMMITMENT. So we start with GRACE--the first building block of a solid marriage, or any relationship.

As priest (1 Peter 2:5-9), we have access to The Holy of Holies; the presence of Almighty God. With access to the immediate presence of God, we never have a reason to regard anything as a disaster. Several truths we can and must believe:

1. God sovereignly directs every situation in our lives.
2. Nothing takes God by surprise.
3. No problem is beyond His power to master.
4. There is no event in life for which God's GRACE is not sufficient.

When Paul cried out and pleaded with the Lord concerning "a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me." God answered, "My GRACE is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:7-9.

Regardless of the difficulty you might be going through in your marriage or other relationships, God's grace is sufficient. With His grace, you can extend grace to others. With His grace, you can continue to minister to others who might not be willing to reciprocate. In your most difficult relational trials, you will have the opportunity to grow closer to God and enjoy His presence more fully. He promised to meet your deep need for security and significance. GRACE is the first step that allows you to take the next step of COMMITMENT.

The slides from today's class are below. Next week we will continue with The Marriage Builder - Commitment.

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Body Oneness

God is the Master Architect. His blueprint for relationships is ONENESS (see John 17): Spirit Oneness, Soul Oneness, and Body Oneness. Body Oneness is physical pleasure with personal meaning. Personal meaning in God's world depends on participation in God's purposes. Physical pleasure alone will never satisfy our deepest need for personal intimacy when it is absent of personal meaning.

We must choose between the good and the best:

1. The Good - To achieve a level of compatibility that leads to mutual enjoyment.
2. The Best - To achieve ALL that God provides in the marriage relationship.

"There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12

Whether you are single, engaged, or married, God's best starts with Spirit Oneness: Dependence upon God for your needs of security (to be loved) and significance (to be valued). Soul Oneness cannot grow without Spirit Oneness.

As the Spirit acts upon the Soul, the Soul, in turn, expresses itself through the Body. The potential to realize God's complete purpose of intimacy in our marriage relationships is when both levels of Oneness (Spirit & Soul) are present. Body Oneness is then possible.

The slides from today's lesson are below. Next week will continue with The Marriage Builder-Part 2 (Building the Foundation).

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Soul Oneness (Communication)

Last week we learned that unless there is the purpose of communicating love based on an awareness of needs (security and significance), we qualify as manipulators, not ministers. Today we saw that communication problems can usually be traced to a failure in the commitment to minister, or more simply, to wrong goals. When our desires become our goals, we seek to self-serve our needs instead of trusting God that He will meet our needs.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and cover, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives." James 4:1-3

Therefore, the foundation of SOUL Oneness is a mutual commitment to minister to one another's personal needs (security and significance.)

As we finished the section on SOUL Oneness, we acknowledged the valid and legitimate pain we feel when our desires are not met and how to deal with these emotions from a Biblical perspective.

Emotional acknowledgement of our feelings is always proper; emotional expression is legitimate only when it does not conflict with our fulfilling God's purposes.

Although the focus of this series is on building a strong marriage relationship, successful communication within all Christian relationships (family, friends, coworkers, etc.) depends on one key element: SPIRIT Oneness with God. It is only when we are in a right vertical relationship--our spirit with God's Holy Spirit--that we can fulfill God's blueprint for successful human relationships.

The slides and short video (Teaching Pastor, Dave Willis) from today's lesson are below. Next week, I will briefly address the third component of Oneness: BODY Oneness. Then I will move into Part II of the Marriage Builder Series: BUILDING THE FOUNDATION.

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Soul Oneness (Ministry or Manipulation)

The foundation of Soul Oneness is a mutual commitment to minister to one another's personal needs (security and significance).

The key to achieving Soul Oneness is to maintain the fundamental goal of ministry to our partner's deepest needs and to keep that goal inviolate. (Dr. Larry Crabb)

However, our instinct is to manipulate rather than minister. We manipulate because we believe that is the way we will satisfy our great needs of security (to be loved) and significance (to be valued). From a human perspective, three elements are required to shift from manipulation to ministry:

1. A decisive and continuous willingness to adopt the commitment to minister;
2. A substantial awareness of your partner's needs;
3. A conviction that you are God's chosen instrument to touch those needs. 

Everything we do has a goal. Goals are based on our desires, beliefs, and values. With every goal their is a purpose which is realized through our behavior. When we determine our goals, we can identify and challenge the wrong beliefs behind the goals. Once we identify our wrong beliefs, we can  correct wrong behaviors.

• Whenever the goal of our behavior is essentially to change the other person--whether the change is good or bad--we are wrong.
• Unless there is the purpose of communicating love based on an awareness of needs, we qualify as manipulators, not ministers.

In every relationship (family, friends, and marriage), we are called to minister--put the needs of others before our own needs. God promises that He will meet our deep needs of security and significance. This is one of the greatest challenges in any relationship, especially in marriage. See what Dr. Crabb has to say:

What Are The Greatest Challenges Facing Marriages Today?

The slides from today's lesson are below. Next week we will continue with the MB Series with the lesson: Soul Oneness (Communication).