THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Soul Oneness (Communication)

Last week we learned that unless there is the purpose of communicating love based on an awareness of needs (security and significance), we qualify as manipulators, not ministers. Today we saw that communication problems can usually be traced to a failure in the commitment to minister, or more simply, to wrong goals. When our desires become our goals, we seek to self-serve our needs instead of trusting God that He will meet our needs.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and cover, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives." James 4:1-3

Therefore, the foundation of SOUL Oneness is a mutual commitment to minister to one another's personal needs (security and significance.)

As we finished the section on SOUL Oneness, we acknowledged the valid and legitimate pain we feel when our desires are not met and how to deal with these emotions from a Biblical perspective.

Emotional acknowledgement of our feelings is always proper; emotional expression is legitimate only when it does not conflict with our fulfilling God's purposes.

Although the focus of this series is on building a strong marriage relationship, successful communication within all Christian relationships (family, friends, coworkers, etc.) depends on one key element: SPIRIT Oneness with God. It is only when we are in a right vertical relationship--our spirit with God's Holy Spirit--that we can fulfill God's blueprint for successful human relationships.

The slides and short video (Teaching Pastor, Dave Willis) from today's lesson are below. Next week, I will briefly address the third component of Oneness: BODY Oneness. Then I will move into Part II of the Marriage Builder Series: BUILDING THE FOUNDATION.

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Soul Oneness (Ministry or Manipulation)

The foundation of Soul Oneness is a mutual commitment to minister to one another's personal needs (security and significance).

The key to achieving Soul Oneness is to maintain the fundamental goal of ministry to our partner's deepest needs and to keep that goal inviolate. (Dr. Larry Crabb)

However, our instinct is to manipulate rather than minister. We manipulate because we believe that is the way we will satisfy our great needs of security (to be loved) and significance (to be valued). From a human perspective, three elements are required to shift from manipulation to ministry:

1. A decisive and continuous willingness to adopt the commitment to minister;
2. A substantial awareness of your partner's needs;
3. A conviction that you are God's chosen instrument to touch those needs. 

Everything we do has a goal. Goals are based on our desires, beliefs, and values. With every goal their is a purpose which is realized through our behavior. When we determine our goals, we can identify and challenge the wrong beliefs behind the goals. Once we identify our wrong beliefs, we can  correct wrong behaviors.

• Whenever the goal of our behavior is essentially to change the other person--whether the change is good or bad--we are wrong.
• Unless there is the purpose of communicating love based on an awareness of needs, we qualify as manipulators, not ministers.

In every relationship (family, friends, and marriage), we are called to minister--put the needs of others before our own needs. God promises that He will meet our deep needs of security and significance. This is one of the greatest challenges in any relationship, especially in marriage. See what Dr. Crabb has to say:

What Are The Greatest Challenges Facing Marriages Today?

The slides from today's lesson are below. Next week we will continue with the MB Series with the lesson: Soul Oneness (Communication).

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Spirit Oneness

God's blueprint for Christian relationships starts with SPIRIT ONENESS. The Holy Spirit comes and dwells in every believer's life at the instant they are born again in Christ.

“Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?” (1 Cor. 3.16). 

Why is it so important to understand that the Holy Spirit dwells in man’s innermost depth, deeper within than his organs of thought, feeling and decision? Because unless the child of God perceives this, invariably he shall seek His guidance in his SOUL. With understanding, he shall be delivered from the deception and error of looking to what is outward. (Watchman Nee)

Without understanding the importance of SPIRIT ONENESS, we look outward (guided by our SOUL) to meet our personal needs of SECURITY (to be loved) and SIGNIFICANCE (to be valued). Our greatest mistake in relationships is when we look to others to meet our personal needs of SECURITY and SIGNIFICANCE.

Our deepest need to be loved and feel worthy can only be met in Christ. The most caring parent, the best friend, or the most spiritual marriage partner are all incapable of meeting those deep needs. We must embrace the fact that God has met, and will always meet, our deepest needs through Jesus Christ--even when we don't feel it.

God's original (and perfect) design for the marriage relationship was two-fold:

1. Man and woman should live in fellowship (SPIRIT ONENESS) with God; 
2. Man and woman should live in a selfless relationship of mutual giving to each other (SOUL ONENESS). Because of sin, we must constantly surrender our selfish desires to God's perfect design if we are to realize God's Design in our broken world.

The fountains from which love flows are in God (His Holy Spirit), not in us. We can only love others when we allow God to love them through us. Thus, we must seek SPIRIT ONENESS with God's Holy Spirit so that we might be in a position to fulfill our purpose to live in selfless relationships of mutual giving to others.

The video below was shown at the close of class today. Be sure to listen carefully to how Dr. Larry Crabb answers the question: "What Is Real Love?"

Below are the slides from today's lesson. Next week, we will continue with SOUL ONENESS.

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - God's Blueprint

When it comes to relationships, we are all in pursuit of the same goal: A deep experience of personal intimacy through relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Why? Because only within the context of relationship can the deepest needs of human personality be met. Our need for relationship is real, and it is there by God's design. As dependent personal beings, we cannot function fully without close relationships. Building a successful Christian relationship requires that we use God's blueprint. Trying to build a successful relationship without God's blueprint is like trying to build a house without plans.

Next, we discussed the need to build our relationships on the Solid Foundation. In Matthew 7:21-25, Jesus tells the Parable of the Wise and the Foolish Builders. One built his house on the Rock; the other build his house on sand.

The ultimate foundation of all relationships is oneness--oneness with other believers and oneness with God through the Holy Spirit. In His last day on Earth, Jesus walked with his disciples and prayed to the Father:

"I pray...that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one." John 17:21-22

As the single person contemplates marriage, he/she should know that the best way to prepare for marriage is to grow in oneness with God. It is in oneness with God that we are able to fulfill what Jesus called the greatest commandment:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22:37-39

It is also in oneness with God that we are able to fulfill our purpose in marriage the way God designed it--God's blueprint. The following video should encourage singles:

Next week we will continue exploring God's blueprint for relationships as we look at oneness in spirit, soul, and body. The lesson slides for today's lesson are below:

THE MARRIAGE BUILDER - Introduction

Today we began our study on marriage and relationships. The main focus of this series is to point us to "Oneness" in our relationships: Oneness of spirit, soul, and body. The book I will be teaching from is The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb.

The goal of marriage is "A deep experience of personal intimacy through relationship with a person of the opposite sex."

This series is planned to be a total of 5 weeks. Today we divided the class into two groups: I took the men into a separate room while Sue Marie stayed with the women. We discussed 10 questions aimed at "tilling the soil" of our relational minds and preparing us for what is coming in the next three weeks. At the end of the three weeks we will divide the class once again, with Sue Marie taking the men and I will stay with the women.

Overall, I believe the material we will cover during this series is some of the most powerful information I have ever seen for helping the Christian understand God's design and purpose for the marriage relationship. In addition, the principles Dr. Crabb teaches in The Marriage Builder can also be applied in almost any relationship.

The Doctrine of Marriage is based upon "One Flesh."

Jesus: “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?” (Matthew 19:4–5). 

Paul: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31). 

Paul: “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church [emphasis added]” (Ephesians 5:28–29).

Because the Israelite men were divorcing their wives and marrying pagans, the prophet reminds the people of the true meaning of marriage, as revealed in Genesis 2. “But did He not make them one [one flesh], having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one [why were two made from one]?” (Malachi 2:15).

The ten questions that both the men and the women were asked are listed below. I have inserted a video of Mark Gungor giving a seminar titled: "Tale of Two Brains." It is a humorous explanation of how male and female brains are different. Although it is not a Biblical approach, it does contain many truths and offers us an introduction to the first question the men and women were asked.

1. How are men and women different?

Tale of Two Brains - Mark Gungor

2. In a relationship, what are the most important NEEDS of a wife/husband? Use personal examples if you would like.

3. In a relationship, what are the most important DESIRES of a wife/husband?

4. What is the role of a husband/wife in meeting the NEEDS and DESIRES of his/her wife/husband?

5. What causes relationships to grow cold and lose intimacy? Give some specific examples.

6. How do most men/women typically handle their negative feelings toward their spouses? Give examples.

7. What motivates a Christian man/woman to live with a woman/man before they are married?

8. How do you think most husbands/wives would rate their sexual relationship after becoming comfortable in marriage (married longer than 1 year)?

9. What causes a husband/wife to think about (fantasize, imagine, or dream about) being with another woman/man?

10. Describe the perfect marriage relationship.

5 LOVE LANGUAGES - Q & A

Today we finished the 5LL Series with a Q&A session. The questions can be seen in the lesson slides below.

Our next series, The Marriage Builder, will be the best yet! It will begin in two weeks on April 20th (Easter Sunday). Whether you are married, single, or engaged, this series is a MUST for anyone who desires to understand God's plan for Christian relationships.

Although it is not a requirement, I strongly encourage you to purchase Dr. Larry Crabb's book, The Marriage Builder. This will be the book that I base the series on. It is a book you will re-read, reference, underline, discuss, study, and share with others. We purchased our copy in 1982 (married for 5 years at the time) and still have it today. The series is scheduled to last for 5 lessons, but I am willing to extend the series as needed.

The link to purchase the book is listed below. It is available in paperback and e-book formats. NOTE: The newer cover design differs from the older version that I have shown in class.

The Marriage Builder

Next week there will be a breakfast social during the normal class time to discuss planning for future series. During this class you will have the opportunity to select topics for future series. Some of the main categories include: Relationship & Family, Answering Difficult Questions, God's Will, Prayer, Biblical Character Studies, Problems & Pain, Careers & Planning, Spiritual Growth, and more...or any other topics that you wish to explore.

The slides from today's lesson are listed below. The video for our spotlighted couple, Brandon and Ashley Lovering, is below the slides.

Brandon & Ashley Lovering

5 LOVE LANGUAGES - Body, Soul, Spirit

Today the focus of the lesson was on the nature of man. The NATURAL man is lost and without Christ. The CARNAL man has been born again into Christ, but chooses to live in sin. The SPIRITUAL man is confessed of all sin and surrendered to the Holy Spirit.

The containers below represent man's spirit. The two votive candles represent the Holy Spirit. The one flame represents a believer who is confessed of all sins and is allowing God's Holy Spirit to control his soul and body.

The Holy Spirit comes into man's spirit and quickens it as though kindling a lamp, equipping it to regain control over the soul and, through the soul, to govern the body. But, the soul must choose to allow it.

God's children already have the Holy Spirit abiding in them, but they may not recognize Him or obey Him. They must realize that this indwelling presence is a Person, One Who teaches, guides, and communicates the reality of Christ to them. Until they are willing to be taught, they block the way of this Person. Knowing He indwells us helps us as Christians to overcome our carnal condition.

"Do you not know that God's Spirit dwells in you?" 1 Corinthians 3:16

The communication, intimacy, and peace we desire in our relationships begins when we individually seek Total Oneness with God. This is only possible through our spirit. Oneness with God is the ultimate path to Oneness in our relationships--especially in our marriages.

"In order that the just requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit...those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit...the mind  governed by the Spirit is life and peace." Romans 8:4-6

In our study of Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages, we identified that the 5 love languages are primarily aimed at our emotions--the soul of man. That being the case, unless we are walking in the Spirit, the love languages are, at best, only able to temporarily satisfy. Complete satisfaction occurs when two spirits are joined through the love of God.

"The only thing that counts is FAITH expressing itself through LOVE." Galatians 5:6

The slides from today's lesson are below. The spotlighted couple was Ray and Holly Rollins. Their featured video is below the lesson slides.

Ray & Holly Rollins