YOU MAKE ME CRAZY - 5. Escaping The People-Pleaser Trap

There is nothing wrong with wanting to please others (Jesus even told us that we should put others before ourselves) as long as our motivation is driven by a servant's heart. However, people pleasing, based on envy and encouraged by peer pressure, is a "...dangerous trap..." (Proverbs 29.25)

The night before He was crucified, as Jesus walked with his disciples, He prayed to the Father: "...so that they may be one as we are one." (John 17:11). When we are one with God, we will care little about what people think of us. We only have to please One Person--God.

In our lesson today, we looked at the 5 reasons people-pleasing is a trap, and the 6 antidotes to breaking the "Approval Addiction".

Next week we will complete the You Make Me Crazy series with the final lesson titled: I Make Me Crazy. This lesson will teach us how to live more peaceful, stress-free lives as we learn how to NOT let our concerns for the outcome of situations in our life control us and make us go crazy.

YOU MAKE ME CRAZY - 4. Breaking Free From Abuse

Because of sin, we live in a broken world. A part of that broken world is abuse. I can say with little doubt that you have been abused, are being abused, or will be abused in some way or another. It might be a spouse who is insensitive and unloving, an employer/supervisor who takes credit for your work, or a relative who rejects you because of your faith in God. There are unlimited ways that we experience abuse--not only physical or sexual abuse. One thing is for certain, abuse is going to grow worse. Paul wrote to Timothy and said:

"You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times." 2 Timothy 3:1

In the eight verses that follow, Paul warns Timothy of how the behavior of people will grow increasingly abrasive and cruel. In other words, "We ain't seen Crazy, yet!" He tells Timothy to "Stay away from people like that!" Sadly, abuse (sexual, physical, verbal, and emotional) is to be expected in our broken world. The good news is that the Bible offers us a message of hope to break free from the abuse and recover from the pain that we might be living with as a result of the abuse.

This lesson, Breaking Free From Abuse, outlines seven Biblical steps to guide us in recovering from abuse, or helping someone else recover from abuse. King David understood abuse. He spent much of his life dealing with abuse. Everyone was after him. In over 100 passages, David expresses his fear, depression, anger, and his many enemies (some within his own family). You will see many references in the Psalms to David's battles with abuse.

No one understands abuse like Jesus. He was abused on a level we can not begin to understand, and He never once retaliated against his abusers. So, if you are experiencing an abusive situation now, or experiencing the pain spoken about by Job from a previous abuse, get alone with Jesus. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18. Then find someone you can trust that will help you break free from the abuse, or help you work through the abuse from your past. If you don't, you will carry the pain for your entire life. Job said:

"The churning inside me never stops; and each day confronts me with more suffering." Job 30:27

Start the healing process by first, admitting that you are being abused. Then follow the other six steps and find the wonderful peace that Job was eventually able to write:

"Put our heart right. Reach out to God. Put away any evil and wrong from our home. Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade away from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more! Your life will be brighter than sunshine at noon, and life's darkest hours will shine like the dawn!" Job 11:13-17 (TEV)

What a beautiful passage of scripture for those of us who have at one time or another lived with the pain of abuse.

The slides from today's lesson are below. Next week, we will look at "Escaping The People-Pleaser Trap."

YOU MAKE ME CRAZY - 3. How to Resolve Conflict

NOTE: I believe today's lesson covers some very important topics. Instead of posting a narrative-type summary of the lesson, I felt it might be more helpful (especially for those who were not in class) if I post my teaching notes.

Conflict is in every day of our lives. You must learn the skills required to resolve conflict: at work, in your marriage, parents with children, friends, community, etc. Nobody taught you how to do it—not your parents and not while in school—but the Word of God can teach you how to become a peacemaker.

Peacemaking is NOT “avoiding” or “appeasing”. Avoiding is what cowards do. Appeasing is the work of someone who is co-dependent. You can’t just “grin and bear it” or “sweep it under the rug”. Conflict MUST be dealt with—the sooner, the better.

Why MUST conflict be dealt with? Unresolved conflict damages your spiritual life in three major ways:

1. FELLOWSHIP WITH GOD: “You can’t love God, whom you've never seen, if you don’t love the people you do see! To claim you love God while hating others makes you a liar!” 1 John 4:20
2. PRAYERS: “Husbands be considerate of your wives, and treat them with respect… so that nothing hinders your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7
3. HAPPINESS: “Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.” James 3:18

The 7 steps to Conflict Resolution and Becoming a Peacemaker

1. TAKE THE INITIATIVE – MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
a. Time heals NOTHING!
b. Conflict is not resolved accidentally.
c. Don’t wait for them to come to you.
d. What you are pretending is NOT a problem, is your life.
e. Reconciliation takes priority over worship (see Matthew 5:23-24). DO IT AT ONCE!
f. The only way to resolve a conflict is to FACE IT!
g. FEAR causes us to wait/postpone. The dreaded words from a spouse: “We need to talk!”
1. Adam said to God, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” Genesis 3:10
2. FEAR makes you…
 h. Defensive/Distant/Demanding
     3. HOLY SPIRIT gives us the ability to act in LOVE
      a. “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline!” 2 Timothy 1:7
b.  Love overcomes fear.

2. CONFESS MY PART OF THE CONFLICT: (ASK GOD FOR WISDOM)
a. “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you…” James 1:5
b. 4 things you MUST do in setting up the meeting:
1. Choose the TIME
2. Choose the PLACE – Not the bedroom
3. PRAY before the meeting
4. Come with a POSITIVE ATTITUDE
c. The Bible teaches that the two (2) causes of CONFLICT are:
(1) SELF-CENTEREDNESS – If you are at peace, nothing bothers you. “When I’m at peace inside, what’s outside me doesn’t upset me.” (Marriage “incompatibility” is a joke—a lawyers excuse for a legal divorce. We are all different and incompatible.)
a) “What causes fights and quarrels among you? They are caused by selfish desires that are continually at war inside you?” James 4:1
        b)  Marriage-the greater your differences, the greater your potential for growth.
1. Primary purpose in Marriage is NOT to make you happy, but to make you HOLY… More like Jesus.
(2) PRIDE – Someone who gets their feelings hurt easily.
a) “Pride only leads to arguments…” Proverbs 13:10
     b) SECRET SENTENCE to break any logjam in a relationship, say: “I’m sorry. I was only thinking of myself.”
d. People often have blind spots—weaknesses you don’t see in your life.
e. Begin with humility—what is YOUR FAULT. Be humble, don’t stumble.
                i. Am I being unrealistic?
               ii. Am I being ungrateful?
              iii. Am I being sensitive?
               iv. Am I being OVER sensitive?
                v. Am I being too demanding
               vi. Am I being immature about the issue(s)?
f. Amygdala- Hard to remember details from major argument.
g. Focus on “relationship”- you’ll find some things are just not that important.

3. LISTEN FOR THE HURT (The emotion behind the words):
a. We argue over emotions not ideas.
b. Hurt people, hurt people! When people feel they are not being valued, they get mad. The more I hurt, the more I’m going to hurt you. Start with their needs, hurts, interest.
c. LISTEN TO THEM. Listen before you speak. 2 ears; 1 mouth.
d. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 2:4-5 (NIV)
i. You are most like Jesus when you are focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own.
e. Seek to understand, before seeking to be understood. – Chinese proverb.
f. Soul-to-soul intimacy – many have never experienced this.
g. Pay attention to other’s needs instead of having others notice your needs. Both of you are imperfect.

4. CONSIDER THEIR PERSPECTIVE:
a. Stop looking at how far someone has to go, but how far they have come.
b. MY fears are legitimate; YOUR fears are irrational (rational-lies).
c. Be considerate of the fears of others.

5: TELL THE TRUTH TACTFULLY:
a. The truth will set you free, but you must say it with love, kindness, and with tact.
b. You say, “I just tell it like it is.” That means you are RUDE. A JERK! You don’t really care about other people.
i.“Speak the truth in love.” Ephesians 4:15
c. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively.
d. You are never persuasive by being abrasive.
e. Never get your point across by being cross.
f. Never use TRUTH as a club.
g. Truth wrapped in love is received easily. It’s all in the way you say it.

6. FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT THE BLAME:
a. Attack the problem, not each other.
b. Stop the BLAME game.
c. Malice: "You are just like your mother." "I know why you are like that..."
d. Things we should NEVER say in a marriage (tears down trust):
          1. Threatening a divorce. Make it work “if it kills you.
          2. Threatening to walk out.
          3. Bringing up someone’s parents.
          4. Never intimidate or threaten people.
e. Little people belittle people. Great people make people feel great.

7. FOCUS ON RECONCILIATION, NOT RESOLUTION:
a. Wisdom/maturity/Christ-likeness is…
          1. to disagree without being disagreeable.
          2. learning that you can have unity without uniformity.
          3. learning to walk hand-in-hand without having to see eye-to-eye.
          4. Having reconciliation without resolution.

Next weeks lesson: "Boundaries and Breaking Free From Abuse" 

YOU MAKE ME CRAZY - 2. Who Is Pushing Your Buttons?

Today we learned that God does get angry. Matter of fact, the Bible tells us that God "feels indignation every day." (Psalm 7:11). Jesus also got angry. When he entered the temple and overturned the tables of the money-changers, he even made a whip of cords. While in the synagogue in Capernaum, "he looked around at them (Pharisees) with anger..." (Mark 3:5).

The anger that God and Jesus displayed in the Bible was without sin. The anger that God feels every day, and the recorded events in the Bible of Jesus' anger is and was for the right reasons. "The Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord..." (1 Kings 11:9). Paul tells us in Romans that "God's anger is being revealed from heaven against all impiety (lack of reverence) and against the iniquity of men who through iniquity suppress the truth." (Romans 1:18). The anger Jesus had in Capernaum was because he "...grieved at their (Pharisees) hardness of heart..." (Mark 3:5).

As we learn more about how to deal with Crazy Makers, much of our effort must center around self examination. We can't change others, but we can learn to react in a way that will bring glory to God. It requires that we be surrendered to the power of the Holy Spirit. We must grow in knowledge and wisdom if we are to be successful dealing with Crazy Makers. It will also ensure that we do not become Crazy Makers to others. Taking our knowledge beyond the classroom is dependent upon the priority we place on walking with God. "The fear of the Lord is the beginning...". (Proverbs 1:7; 9:10).

In today's lesson, I pointed out our brain's center of emotions--the amygdala. Located in the physical center of the head, the amygdala receive inputs from all of our senses and unconsciously processes those senses. It then sends signals to the body to prepare the body to react to a perceived threat, or to anticipate pleasure. In the case of a threat, fear and anger will manifest themselves in a similar physiological way: muscles tense up, burst of energy, increased heart rate, rise in blood pressure, increase rate of breathing, face becomes flush, and a release of adrenaline and noradrenalin. When someone "pushes your buttons", you will feel these sensations. It is then up to you to manage the body's natural survival instincts. (Look at slides 20 and 21 to see facts about Jesus' anger)

Anger is learned and can be unlearned, or you might say, the way we respond to our fear/anger can be learned. In this lesson we discussed the 5 ways to disarm button-pushers (slides 25-30). It requires hard work and training to ensure that our bodies respond and behave in a way that always brings glory to God. It takes a complete surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit. We MUST learn to fear the Lord and a life of apathy, impiety, and iniquity--things that make God angry.

The slides from today's lesson are below. Next week, our You Make Me Crazy study will continue with a lesson titled: "How to Resolve Conflict".

YOU MAKE ME CRAZY - 1. Six Keys To Peace In Relationships

The Way of Wisdom is a narrow, winding path through a beautiful, yet treacherous forest requiring surefootedness to navigate. Those that choose to wander from the path into the Forest of Regret often lose their way. Keeping on the path guarantees that we will not only find God’s purpose for our lives, but peace in all of our relationships.

Having the KNOWLEDGE of what is written in the first paragraph will do us no good. WISDOM is doing what is written.

Knowledge is merely having clarity of facts and truths while wisdom is the practical ability to make consistently good decisions in life.

The Bible tells us that “…all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are hidden” in “…the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ.” (Colossians 2:3).

Our greatest motivator to action (applying wisdom) is often the fear of the consequences that might result if we don’t act. The Bible states that knowledge and wisdom originate with the “…fear of the Lord.”

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Knowledge.” Proverbs 1:7; “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom.” Proverbs 9:10

We obey (apply) the knowledge acquired from God’s Word because we fear the warnings given to the fool. We don’t want to be like those who wander into the Forest of Regret or act as fools in relationships. We FEAR the consequences promised to those who turn from wisdom.

“…if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom!” (Proverbs 2:1-22)

There are six keys to having peace in relationships found in James 3:17. These six keys are the outpouring of wisdom and provide us with a shield ("...he is their shield..." Proverbs 2:7) to protect us from the crazy makers in life.

1. First of all, wisdom is PURE;

2. Wisdom is PEACE LOVING;

3. Wisdom is GENTLE at all times;

4. Wisdom is willing to YIELD TO OTHERS;

5. Wisdom is FULL OF MERCY & GOOD DEEDS;

6. Wisdom is IMPARTIAL & always SINCERE

The slides from today’s lesson are below. Next week, our lesson will be “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?”

YOU MAKE ME CRAZY - Introduction

YOU MAKE ME CRAZY! Who are these people that seem to make us crazy? How can we survive these relationships God's way?

We all have relationships that drive us crazy. Whether it's a boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, sibling, parent, co-worker, or crazy relative you see once a year at Thanksgiving, a crazy-maker can really make life difficult. The YMMC Series will help bring sanity to your relationships so you can do more than just coexist. It will help you learn how to connect with the crazy-makers in your life.

In this series we’re looking at how to deal with the crazy making people in our own lives, but we’re also looking at the crazy making thoughts, attitudes, feelings and actions that we ourselves are foisting on people. I must always be willing to look at my craziness first before I look at someone else’s.

This is the only way to break the stranglehold that anger can have on every one of us. Our own anger is a major tool that Satan uses to take advantage of us. Anger can have devastating effects on us Spiritually, Emotionally, Relationally, Financially, Vocationally, Intellectually and Physically.

Everyone is somebody's difficult person.

Today we identified six of the most common types of crazy makers (there are hundreds). As you read these descriptions, you will more than likely see yourself in one or more of them.

Demanding

These are The Little Dictators of life. They are the little Napoleons. They are Bossy, Pushy, Controlling, and Intimidating. They tend to dominate every conversation. They often turn every conversation into a power struggle. They make unrealistic demands on your life, your time and your schedule. They push, manipulate and coerce to try to get you to do what they want. They’re demanding, and it drives you crazy. They’re the little dictators of life.

Disapproving

I call them The Unpleasables. They are highly critical. Your best is never good enough. They always want more. They are Negative, Pessimistic and Judgmental. They’re perfectionists. They love to point out your mistakes. You’re never good enough for them.

Deafening

They’re loud. They’re loud mouths. They are The Megaphones of life. They like to talk and they often talk at 120 decibels. If you have a Megaphone on the phone you will not get off for at least fifteen minutes because they will just keep on talking. They will talk you into surrender. They will talk you into the ground. They love to argue. They could argue all day long.

Destructive

These are people who have uncontrolled anger. I call them The Volcanoes. You can spot a volcano from afar. You never know when they’re going to erupt. But when they erupt you know it. They've got a temper like Mount Vesuvius or like Mount Saint Helens. When they explode and blow up they leave scorching hot lava burning everything in the path. If you have a volcano in your life you tend to walk on eggshells part of the time. The family will live in fear of when the next blow up is going to happen. There’s a lot of tension and the burn causalities are quite high. These are the destructive crazy makers, the volcanoes.

Discontented

Discontented crazy makers get their feelings hurt very, very easily. They’re very sensitive. They’re very touchy. They’re very thin skinned and they whine a lot. They can be called The Cry Babies. They hold daily pity parties. They host the party and they like to moan and mourn “Poor Me!” They’re chronic complainers and they've got a martyr complex and they get their attention by whining. When they whine they get that nasally sound, whining all the time. It just grates on you like fingernails on a blackboard. These are the Cry Babies. They’re never happy.

Demeaning

These people are The Smart Mouths. The smart mouths are rude, they’re insulting and they use caustic and sarcastic language. They might even curse. More than just cursing, complaining and caustic they’re bubble busters. They like to bust your bubble. They like to wear your dream down. They love to deflate you. They joy in telling you how you don’t measure up. They’re disrespectful and they can be petty and they can be mean. These are the smart mouths. People who are rude the majority of the time are people who have enormous insecurities.

The only effective way you can be of any good to a crazy maker is to be fully surrendered to God. He is the true source of love. You can not love difficult people in your life without God.

A big part of this series will be to help us all know how to better relate to those who are closest to us--husbands, wives, children, parents, extended family. I will be using our StrenghtsFinder talents to help guide us each towards more peaceful, rich, and enjoyable relationships. If you have not yet completed the StrengthsFinder test, please go to the link below to purchase a code to take the online test ($9.99 per test):

(https://www.gallupstrengthscenter.com/Purchase/?utm_source=nobooks&utm_medium=webreferral&utm_campaign=strengthsdashboard)

Send me your test results and we will make cards for the bulletin board.

Next week, we will study the SIX KEYS TO PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIPS.

SOLVING THE MONEY PUZZLE - Chapter 9

When the Hebrew people said to the prophet Samuel, "Give us a king to lead us." he was displeased. When Samuel took their request to the Lord, God said, "...they have rejected me as their king." God told Samuel to return to the people and "...warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will claim as his rights." (see I Samuel 8:6-22)

The message God gave the Hebrews was very clear: I AM YOUR KING! There can be no substitute. God made certain that Samuel spelled it out to the Hebrews in detail. Samuel told them the terrible things that would happen to them if they empowered a king (a man) to rule over them. He told them that they would give up their freedom. He told them that they would one day cry out for relief from their king but the Lord would not answer their cries. These foolish people, even after God's stern warnings, refused to listen to Samuel and said, "No! We want a king over us."

So be it! "The Lord answered, 'Listen to them and give them a king.'" The rest is history...a very sad history of hundreds of years of oppression resulting from one bad king after another.

This lesson teaches that God never intended for sinful man to rule over others with supreme power. Kings, pharaohs, sheiks, shahs, wangs,  maharajahs, emperors, and presidents should never be empowered with ultimate authority over man.

We also looked at One World Government; the purpose of government--to protect or provide; taxes; welfare; and the responsibility and instruction we have from God to obey authority. God is sovereign and "...there is no authority except that which God has established." 

Next week we start a new series: YOU MAKE ME CRAZY