NOTE: I believe today's lesson covers some very important topics. Instead of posting a narrative-type summary of the lesson, I felt it might be more helpful (especially for those who were not in class) if I post my teaching notes.
Conflict is in every day of our lives. You must learn the skills required to resolve conflict: at work, in your marriage, parents with children, friends, community, etc. Nobody taught you how to do it—not your parents and not while in school—but the Word of God can teach you how to become a peacemaker.
Peacemaking is NOT “avoiding” or “appeasing”. Avoiding is what cowards do. Appeasing is the work of someone who is co-dependent. You can’t just “grin and bear it” or “sweep it under the rug”. Conflict MUST be dealt with—the sooner, the better.
Why MUST conflict be dealt with? Unresolved conflict damages your spiritual life in three major ways:
1. FELLOWSHIP WITH GOD: “You can’t love God, whom you've never seen, if you don’t love the people you do see! To claim you love God while hating others makes you a liar!” 1 John 4:20
2. PRAYERS: “Husbands be considerate of your wives, and treat them with respect… so that nothing hinders your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7
3. HAPPINESS: “Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.” James 3:18
The 7 steps to Conflict Resolution and Becoming a Peacemaker
1. TAKE THE INITIATIVE – MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
a. Time heals NOTHING!
b. Conflict is not resolved accidentally.
c. Don’t wait for them to come to you.
d. What you are pretending is NOT a problem, is your life.
e. Reconciliation takes priority over worship (see Matthew 5:23-24). DO IT AT ONCE!
f. The only way to resolve a conflict is to FACE IT!
g. FEAR causes us to wait/postpone. The dreaded words from a spouse: “We need to talk!”
1. Adam said to God, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” Genesis 3:10
2. FEAR makes you…
h. Defensive/Distant/Demanding
3. HOLY SPIRIT gives us the ability to act in LOVE
a. “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline!” 2 Timothy 1:7
b. Love overcomes fear.
2. CONFESS MY PART OF THE CONFLICT: (ASK GOD FOR WISDOM)
a. “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you…” James 1:5
b. 4 things you MUST do in setting up the meeting:
1. Choose the TIME
2. Choose the PLACE – Not the bedroom
3. PRAY before the meeting
4. Come with a POSITIVE ATTITUDE
c. The Bible teaches that the two (2) causes of CONFLICT are:
(1) SELF-CENTEREDNESS – If you are at peace, nothing bothers you. “When I’m at peace inside, what’s outside me doesn’t upset me.” (Marriage “incompatibility” is a joke—a lawyers excuse for a legal divorce. We are all different and incompatible.)
a) “What causes fights and quarrels among you? They are caused by selfish desires that are continually at war inside you?” James 4:1
b) Marriage-the greater your differences, the greater your potential for growth.
1. Primary purpose in Marriage is NOT to make you happy, but to make you HOLY… More like Jesus.
(2) PRIDE – Someone who gets their feelings hurt easily.
a) “Pride only leads to arguments…” Proverbs 13:10
b) SECRET SENTENCE to break any logjam in a relationship, say: “I’m sorry. I was only thinking of myself.”
d. People often have blind spots—weaknesses you don’t see in your life.
e. Begin with humility—what is YOUR FAULT. Be humble, don’t stumble.
i. Am I being unrealistic?
ii. Am I being ungrateful?
iii. Am I being sensitive?
iv. Am I being OVER sensitive?
v. Am I being too demanding
vi. Am I being immature about the issue(s)?
f. Amygdala- Hard to remember details from major argument.
g. Focus on “relationship”- you’ll find some things are just not that important.
3. LISTEN FOR THE HURT (The emotion behind the words):
a. We argue over emotions not ideas.
b. Hurt people, hurt people! When people feel they are not being valued, they get mad. The more I hurt, the more I’m going to hurt you. Start with their needs, hurts, interest.
c. LISTEN TO THEM. Listen before you speak. 2 ears; 1 mouth.
d. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 2:4-5 (NIV)
i. You are most like Jesus when you are focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own.
e. Seek to understand, before seeking to be understood. – Chinese proverb.
f. Soul-to-soul intimacy – many have never experienced this.
g. Pay attention to other’s needs instead of having others notice your needs. Both of you are imperfect.
4. CONSIDER THEIR PERSPECTIVE:
a. Stop looking at how far someone has to go, but how far they have come.
b. MY fears are legitimate; YOUR fears are irrational (rational-lies).
c. Be considerate of the fears of others.
5: TELL THE TRUTH TACTFULLY:
a. The truth will set you free, but you must say it with love, kindness, and with tact.
b. You say, “I just tell it like it is.” That means you are RUDE. A JERK! You don’t really care about other people.
i.“Speak the truth in love.” Ephesians 4:15
c. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively.
d. You are never persuasive by being abrasive.
e. Never get your point across by being cross.
f. Never use TRUTH as a club.
g. Truth wrapped in love is received easily. It’s all in the way you say it.
6. FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT THE BLAME:
a. Attack the problem, not each other.
b. Stop the BLAME game.
c. Malice: "You are just like your mother." "I know why you are like that..."
d. Things we should NEVER say in a marriage (tears down trust):
1. Threatening a divorce. Make it work “if it kills you.
2. Threatening to walk out.
3. Bringing up someone’s parents.
4. Never intimidate or threaten people.
e. Little people belittle people. Great people make people feel great.
7. FOCUS ON RECONCILIATION, NOT RESOLUTION:
a. Wisdom/maturity/Christ-likeness is…
1. to disagree without being disagreeable.
2. learning that you can have unity without uniformity.
3. learning to walk hand-in-hand without having to see eye-to-eye.
4. Having reconciliation without resolution.
Conflict is in every day of our lives. You must learn the skills required to resolve conflict: at work, in your marriage, parents with children, friends, community, etc. Nobody taught you how to do it—not your parents and not while in school—but the Word of God can teach you how to become a peacemaker.
Peacemaking is NOT “avoiding” or “appeasing”. Avoiding is what cowards do. Appeasing is the work of someone who is co-dependent. You can’t just “grin and bear it” or “sweep it under the rug”. Conflict MUST be dealt with—the sooner, the better.
Why MUST conflict be dealt with? Unresolved conflict damages your spiritual life in three major ways:
1. FELLOWSHIP WITH GOD: “You can’t love God, whom you've never seen, if you don’t love the people you do see! To claim you love God while hating others makes you a liar!” 1 John 4:20
2. PRAYERS: “Husbands be considerate of your wives, and treat them with respect… so that nothing hinders your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7
3. HAPPINESS: “Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.” James 3:18
The 7 steps to Conflict Resolution and Becoming a Peacemaker
1. TAKE THE INITIATIVE – MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
a. Time heals NOTHING!
b. Conflict is not resolved accidentally.
c. Don’t wait for them to come to you.
d. What you are pretending is NOT a problem, is your life.
e. Reconciliation takes priority over worship (see Matthew 5:23-24). DO IT AT ONCE!
f. The only way to resolve a conflict is to FACE IT!
g. FEAR causes us to wait/postpone. The dreaded words from a spouse: “We need to talk!”
1. Adam said to God, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” Genesis 3:10
2. FEAR makes you…
h. Defensive/Distant/Demanding
3. HOLY SPIRIT gives us the ability to act in LOVE
a. “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline!” 2 Timothy 1:7
b. Love overcomes fear.
2. CONFESS MY PART OF THE CONFLICT: (ASK GOD FOR WISDOM)
a. “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you…” James 1:5
b. 4 things you MUST do in setting up the meeting:
1. Choose the TIME
2. Choose the PLACE – Not the bedroom
3. PRAY before the meeting
4. Come with a POSITIVE ATTITUDE
c. The Bible teaches that the two (2) causes of CONFLICT are:
(1) SELF-CENTEREDNESS – If you are at peace, nothing bothers you. “When I’m at peace inside, what’s outside me doesn’t upset me.” (Marriage “incompatibility” is a joke—a lawyers excuse for a legal divorce. We are all different and incompatible.)
a) “What causes fights and quarrels among you? They are caused by selfish desires that are continually at war inside you?” James 4:1
b) Marriage-the greater your differences, the greater your potential for growth.
1. Primary purpose in Marriage is NOT to make you happy, but to make you HOLY… More like Jesus.
(2) PRIDE – Someone who gets their feelings hurt easily.
a) “Pride only leads to arguments…” Proverbs 13:10
b) SECRET SENTENCE to break any logjam in a relationship, say: “I’m sorry. I was only thinking of myself.”
d. People often have blind spots—weaknesses you don’t see in your life.
e. Begin with humility—what is YOUR FAULT. Be humble, don’t stumble.
i. Am I being unrealistic?
ii. Am I being ungrateful?
iii. Am I being sensitive?
iv. Am I being OVER sensitive?
v. Am I being too demanding
vi. Am I being immature about the issue(s)?
f. Amygdala- Hard to remember details from major argument.
g. Focus on “relationship”- you’ll find some things are just not that important.
3. LISTEN FOR THE HURT (The emotion behind the words):
a. We argue over emotions not ideas.
b. Hurt people, hurt people! When people feel they are not being valued, they get mad. The more I hurt, the more I’m going to hurt you. Start with their needs, hurts, interest.
c. LISTEN TO THEM. Listen before you speak. 2 ears; 1 mouth.
d. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 2:4-5 (NIV)
i. You are most like Jesus when you are focusing on the hurts of somebody else rather than your own.
e. Seek to understand, before seeking to be understood. – Chinese proverb.
f. Soul-to-soul intimacy – many have never experienced this.
g. Pay attention to other’s needs instead of having others notice your needs. Both of you are imperfect.
4. CONSIDER THEIR PERSPECTIVE:
a. Stop looking at how far someone has to go, but how far they have come.
b. MY fears are legitimate; YOUR fears are irrational (rational-lies).
c. Be considerate of the fears of others.
5: TELL THE TRUTH TACTFULLY:
a. The truth will set you free, but you must say it with love, kindness, and with tact.
b. You say, “I just tell it like it is.” That means you are RUDE. A JERK! You don’t really care about other people.
i.“Speak the truth in love.” Ephesians 4:15
c. If you say it offensively, it will be received defensively.
d. You are never persuasive by being abrasive.
e. Never get your point across by being cross.
f. Never use TRUTH as a club.
g. Truth wrapped in love is received easily. It’s all in the way you say it.
6. FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT THE BLAME:
a. Attack the problem, not each other.
b. Stop the BLAME game.
c. Malice: "You are just like your mother." "I know why you are like that..."
d. Things we should NEVER say in a marriage (tears down trust):
1. Threatening a divorce. Make it work “if it kills you.
2. Threatening to walk out.
3. Bringing up someone’s parents.
4. Never intimidate or threaten people.
e. Little people belittle people. Great people make people feel great.
7. FOCUS ON RECONCILIATION, NOT RESOLUTION:
a. Wisdom/maturity/Christ-likeness is…
1. to disagree without being disagreeable.
2. learning that you can have unity without uniformity.
3. learning to walk hand-in-hand without having to see eye-to-eye.
4. Having reconciliation without resolution.
Next weeks lesson: "Boundaries and Breaking Free From Abuse"
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